Empathy and identification

Since I allowed myself to consider that my true gender was likely to be quite different to the male body I was born with, I've been really surprised at the difference in how I think and relate to the world around me.

For the past couple of years I've found my overriding emotion when observing other women has been one of jealousy. I've been jealous of their bodies, of the clothes they wear and the freedom they have had in expressing femininity. However, the last few weeks have been different. I've become detached from my identity as a male and relate far more strongly to women as peers.

Before this I would have described myself as a feminist, but from a third party view. I now find myself responding to news items and stories about women in the first person. As female friends have described misogyny and abuse from men I used to feel for them. I now own that anger too.

All this has happened without any medication. I'm not really dressing, apart from knickers, and I've not used any herbal medicines or hypnotherapy. It feels like simply accepting who I am has freed me to be that person inside.

I'm really glad I did.

Wearing leggings and painting my nails - just what a business trip is for!

I'm in India right now. 

To be exact I'm sitting in my hotel room after a day in the office here, sitting around in leggings and a T-shirt and feeling really comfy and quite girly. I'm not out at home, so normally I have to be really careful. However,  a business trip is the perfect opportunity to explore a bit without worrying about being found out.

I decided to keep it tame this time round. Armed with advice from my pal Ashley, who's been a wonderful encouragement to me, I picked some leggings from HM and then went shopping for nail polish. 

So this morning I decided to experiment with base coat on my toes (ok, really cautious!) - but when I discovered they hadn't turned bright pink I went for it and painted my finger nails too. It felt so good to express some of my femininity in public (even though it was unnoticeable except if you were really paying attention). 

Of course I'm feeling like I'm on a slippery slope now, and wondering what else I can get away with. I'm also worried about having to stop when I get home. This really makes me question how long I can let this go without saying something.

Still, that's not today's problem. I'm going to tuck up in bed with the copy of Elle I picked up at the airport. I realise that this is not weird, it's so 'me' and I really regret waiting this long to find out.

Night night x

Where I am now

I really want to focus on the day to day events of my journey in my diary, but I really need to share something of my background if any of this is going to make sense, so here goes...

I'm 45 years of age and a husband and a father.  Around 5 years ago I began to realise that I had really lived a life or meeting the expectations of others and trying to gain their acceptance and approval.

Since that point I've been in a gradual process of deconstructing the house of cards my life had become and starting to work out who I really am.

Over the past 2-3 years feelings I had as a child that I would rather be a girl have returned. My background was rather conventional and I had never appreciated that identifying as any gender, or mix of genders, other than my biological state could be in any way legitimate, so I embraced my role as a boy and got on with life.

My parents were convinced I was going to be a girl, and even told me that I was going to be named Joanne. I now wonder whether they were right all along.

Although I have been feeling a growing preoccupation and desire to express my femininity, it's taken until now for me to dismiss the idea that I am just a fake and give myself permission to seriously question my gender. It feels like Jo is out of the bottle now, and there is no going back.

Not really day 1

Hi,

Welcome to the first entry in my diary. It's not really the beginning for me, but since the turn of the year I've really given myself permission to explore who I am, accept that I identify, at least in part, as a woman and crucially to do something about it.

Like anyone, I have a back story and I can fill that in over time. Right now, I'm looking forward, and I want to use this space to journal a bit, share my triumphs and frustrations - and allow myself to live a bit.

Please feel free to join in and comment or find me on Twitter (@JoSmithsWorld)

Best wishes

Jo x