Thursday 19 February 2015

Fear and hope for the road ahead

In spite of the increased profile, support from Obama and awards for Trans-themed media it's really not been a good year to be Trans - and we're only in February.

As I write we've seen six Trans women murdered, and at least two Trans teenagers have succeeded in taking their lives. At the same time, legislators seek to restrict the freedom of Trans people to use bathrooms in public buildings, which threatens the most basic right of someone to be in society at all.

As someone at the very beginning of a road that could lead to transition this is pretty terrifying. I was bullied as a child, but I couldn't claim to have experienced anything like the hatred and very real threat of physical harm that people I'm privileged to call my friends have experienced as they've come out and tried simply to be themselves in a hostile society.

When the letter to the Observer hit last weekend I was taken aback at the ferocity of the attack on those who had signed. But then, thinking about it I wondered what they expected? It's easy to forget the rights that gay and lesbian people have gained in recent years to deny homophobia a platform, and yet its apparently ok to give Germaine Greer the right to openly dismiss the legitimacy of even being Trans. I cannot condone the threats that have been made, but I do understand why it provokes so much anger and I share it too.

I think Peter Tatchell was naive in signing the Observer letter. His response promotes dialogue, but I think he has underestimated how the promotion of these ideas make it so very dangerous for those of us identifying as Trans. That doesn't begin to include the many who are too afraid to even admit it and seek any kind of help.

And then we have, possibly the most popular and widely respected Pope in a generation make a calculated comparison between the threat placed by Gender Theory and Nuclear war, stating it was against God's order. As a christian who has admired the Pontiff's stance on corruption, simple life and care for the poor, this was a real body blow, and frankly I'm still in shock. He has great influence and his opinion, right or wrong, has and continues to shape areas of the world in which we live.

Before jumping off the deep end on this one, I want to understand exactly what he means about Gender Theory and exactly who he has in his sights. It would seem odd to me for a relatively small section of society to be credited with the potential to cause Armageddon. However, church leaders have often employed a sense of theatre when making a point - so who knows.

I will, however, make the following observations before closing....

- Passing judgement or restricting the freedom of another to be themselves is completely at odds with the concept of unconditional love on which true Christianity is based.

- More problems  have been caused by the reinforcement of binary gender roles, in particular the dominance of men, by the Church than I could care to imagine. We have barely scratched the surface of abuse that has been carried out and covered up through the ages. If we are looking for an abomination this is a good place to start.

- There was a time when the Church killed people for suggesting that the world was not flat. In time they were forced to listen to science and came round. I can only hope and pray that they remember that revelation is not absolute and God is revealed in all creation, not just the bits they approve of.

I titled this piece about Fear and Hope. It all seems very dark at the moment, but I do hope that the world learns to shake off the relics of binary gender identities and roles and is the better for it. I am jealous of my gay friends as they are freer to express aspects of creativity and colour that I have long had to hide. The business world is waking up to and embracing the benefits of diversity, and the traditional roles and qualities associated with male and female are starting to be challenged.

I look forward to a world where gender is practically a non-issue. Where women share an equal footing with their male counterparts, where anyone is truly free to pursue the skills and interests they choose without fear or prejudice. Most of all I look forward to a time whereto be Trans is treated with understanding and respect, and the feel of being an exhibit in a Victorian freak show is buried for ever.

Thursday 29 January 2015

Empathy and identification

Since I allowed myself to consider that my true gender was likely to be quite different to the male body I was born with, I've been really surprised at the difference in how I think and relate to the world around me.

For the past couple of years I've found my overriding emotion when observing other women has been one of jealousy. I've been jealous of their bodies, of the clothes they wear and the freedom they have had in expressing femininity. However, the last few weeks have been different. I've become detached from my identity as a male and relate far more strongly to women as peers.

Before this I would have described myself as a feminist, but from a third party view. I now find myself responding to news items and stories about women in the first person. As female friends have described misogyny and abuse from men I used to feel for them. I now own that anger too.

All this has happened without any medication. I'm not really dressing, apart from knickers, and I've not used any herbal medicines or hypnotherapy. It feels like simply accepting who I am has freed me to be that person inside.

I'm really glad I did.

Tuesday 27 January 2015

Wearing leggings and painting my nails - just what a business trip is for!

I'm in India right now. 

To be exact I'm sitting in my hotel room after a day in the office here, sitting around in leggings and a T-shirt and feeling really comfy and quite girly. I'm not out at home, so normally I have to be really careful. However,  a business trip is the perfect opportunity to explore a bit without worrying about being found out.

I decided to keep it tame this time round. Armed with advice from my pal Ashley, who's been a wonderful encouragement to me, I picked some leggings from HM and then went shopping for nail polish. 

So this morning I decided to experiment with base coat on my toes (ok, really cautious!) - but when I discovered they hadn't turned bright pink I went for it and painted my finger nails too. It felt so good to express some of my femininity in public (even though it was unnoticeable except if you were really paying attention). 

Of course I'm feeling like I'm on a slippery slope now, and wondering what else I can get away with. I'm also worried about having to stop when I get home. This really makes me question how long I can let this go without saying something.

Still, that's not today's problem. I'm going to tuck up in bed with the copy of Elle I picked up at the airport. I realise that this is not weird, it's so 'me' and I really regret waiting this long to find out.

Night night x

Wednesday 21 January 2015

Where I am now

I really want to focus on the day to day events of my journey in my diary, but I really need to share something of my background if any of this is going to make sense, so here goes...

I'm 45 years of age and a husband and a father.  Around 5 years ago I began to realise that I had really lived a life or meeting the expectations of others and trying to gain their acceptance and approval.

Since that point I've been in a gradual process of deconstructing the house of cards my life had become and starting to work out who I really am.

Over the past 2-3 years feelings I had as a child that I would rather be a girl have returned. My background was rather conventional and I had never appreciated that identifying as any gender, or mix of genders, other than my biological state could be in any way legitimate, so I embraced my role as a boy and got on with life.

My parents were convinced I was going to be a girl, and even told me that I was going to be named Joanne. I now wonder whether they were right all along.

Although I have been feeling a growing preoccupation and desire to express my femininity, it's taken until now for me to dismiss the idea that I am just a fake and give myself permission to seriously question my gender. It feels like Jo is out of the bottle now, and there is no going back.

Tuesday 20 January 2015

Not really day 1

Hi,

Welcome to the first entry in my diary. It's not really the beginning for me, but since the turn of the year I've really given myself permission to explore who I am, accept that I identify, at least in part, as a woman and crucially to do something about it.

Like anyone, I have a back story and I can fill that in over time. Right now, I'm looking forward, and I want to use this space to journal a bit, share my triumphs and frustrations - and allow myself to live a bit.

Please feel free to join in and comment or find me on Twitter (@JoSmithsWorld)

Best wishes

Jo x